Wait, I'm WHERE?
by MorganWritesAndStuff
Summary: Meet Rachel, a girl who doesnt like fantasy genre, brought into the world of LOTR, and forced to help with the ring to get back home. Warning: This is my first fic, and my attempt at origanal charcter, and Lord of the Rings parody. T for minor swearing
1. Why dont I ever listen to Lifetime?

Disclaimer~ I own nothing. Except for Rachel, Randy, and Linda.

AN- This is my first fic, so please be kind:) I am currently Beta-less, so i'm very sorry if i missed a typo or two. I hope you enjoy, and please review and tell me what you think!

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Rachel couldn't stand fantasy movies. There was no denying it. She knew it, EVERYONE knew it. Especially her best friends, Randy and Linda who had dragged her to Randy's house for a LOTR movie marathon. And insisted she watch. And NOT fall asleep this time.

"Really Rach, how can you fall asleep with all the hot guys running around and fighting?" said Linda. This immediately started Randy on a rant about the hot-ness of Legolas.

"Here we go again " sighs Rachel.

"Speaking of Legolas, Rach, " says Randy," you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY should let me write you into my new story!"

"Um, NO. NO. . NO, and don't even give me that puppy dog face. Last time, you just dropped me into Middle Earth and had me immediately killed off by those….What are they called again? Icks?"

"ORCS! ITS ORCS!"

"Jeez, whatever."

" HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY I'm SORRY? I had writers block… Why do you even care anyway?"

" 'cuz I find it mildly disturbing you feel the need to kill your BEST FRIEND off in your story so you can fall in love and live happily ever after with a fictional character!"

"TAKE THAT BACK! HE IS REAL!"

"Oh god, not again" thought Linda. She turned up the volume, and tried to concentrate on the hotness of Aragorn. "SHUT UP! MY MAN IS ON!"

"well if I can't have Legolas, you can't have Aragorn. So there." pouted Randy.

They finally calmed down and finished the movie. Rachel almost cried when she found out there were THREE More. "..DIE." she said throwing herself dramatically down on the couch. They started the next movie and Linda and Randy were squealing constantly. Finally all three of them passed out from a combination of sugar, pizza, caffeine, and utter exhaustion from bickering constantly.

At about 4:30 in the morning, Rachel woke up with a candy wrapper stuck to her face. "Urrghh" She looked around, trying to place where she was, adjusting her flannel kitty pj bottoms and oversized tee shirt that said "Save Second Base" with baseball mitts over the chest for breast cancer awareness. Finally she stumbled into the bathroom, and wiped off the remnants of her eyeliner. As she walked out, intending to get some water, she noticed a weird glow coming from the kitchen. "hmm that must be from the new microwave Randy was talking about"

She walked in and was getting a glass out of the cupboard before she noticed the creepy old guy with the glowy stick thingy.

"CRAP ! That is defiantly not the microwave! AHHHH! CREEPER! PEDAPHILE! HEEEEL" and then she was roughly cut off with a hand over her mouth. Her self defense kicked in and she bit the hand, elbowed who ever was behind her, threw the glass at the old guy and ran out of the room screaming. Well that's what she tried to do. When she tried to run out, she tripped. Hey, It was dark in there! After she scrambled up and tried to yank the door open she realized it was locked. Wait, that creepy old guy looked vaguely familiar. " She stopped screaming and hysterically started babbling.

"Oh, god, I'm gunna die. Dammit, why don't I ever listen to life movies. I'm gunna get killed. Jesus, old guy, help, help, help, oh god, I haven't even got around to writing my bucket list, IM TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I may look weak, but I know ju-jitsu, and like 27 other deadly words of DEATH!" The old guy, who looked vaguely familiar, tried to calm her down, and then she noticed who she had bitten/elbowed. "OHIMIGOSH! AGENT SMITH! HELLLP!"

" What? NO, I'm Lord Elrond. Who is Agent Smith? "

"Oh, god, the Matrix IS real. Oh god, oh god , oh"

BAM! Elrond hits her on the back of the head with an empty bottle that had been sitting on the edge of the counter.

"Nice choice, Elrond. The WHOLE point of us journeying here was to convince her to come HELP. Now, we cant talk to her, because she's UNCONSIUS. Also, when she wakes up, I DOUBT she will wish to help us." said Gandalf. "

I'm sorry, I just couldn't take the whining hysteria any longer. We could always just take her back with us and then she'll HAVE to help."

"Well, thanks to you, I think that is our ONLY option. I would wager she will not be very happy about this"

Gandalf stamps his staff on the tiled kitchen floor and says a few words in elvish, opening a portal back to Middle Earth. Elrond picks up Rachel, and they step through the portal with a bright flash of light.

Just then, Linda wanders into the kitchen, yawning. "Rach? You in here? Oh, I guess she went home."


	2. Like with ACTUAL ROPE

Disclaimer~ Yeah, Yeah. I OWN NOTHING! Rub it in, why don't ya? Lol I own only Rachel.

AN~ yeah its out of character, and alternate universe. IT'S A PARODY FIC. I now have a wonderful Beta! so a shout out to her, for editing my craziness. Oh, and to clear up the whole Matrix Thing, (which I do not own) the actor who plays Lord Elrond also plays Agent Smith in the Matrix. I don't own him either. *pouts* Again, this is my first fic, please be nice to me, and please review. So without further adieu,

Chapter Two, otherwise known as "Like with ACTUAL rope"

Rachel woke up with a THROBBING headache.

"Oh someone kill me. Please kill me now. Oh god, did I get drunk? Will someone shut the FREAKIN' light OFF. Oh sweet Jesus, I'm dying. I'm dead. I was prolly raped and killed by some creepy old guy, and Agent Smith. God, I KNEW there was a reason I hated the Matrix. DEAD I TELL YOU!"

"Actually, you're NOT dead. You're very much alive in fact. And I'm sor-"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP TALKING!"

"Excuse me? I don't understand, but anyway, as I was saying, you were not, as you put it, "raped and killed", and you are perfectly safe here. And, more so I was hop-"

"PERFECTLY SAFE? This is what you call safe? What the hell did you hit me with anyway, you old weirdo? Your lucky my mace is in my purse, you sick pervert! Where am I? And WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THIS WHITE? I mean, cliché much? Really?"

" I was not the one who hit you, that was all Elrond. And you are in Rivendell. Who is this "Agent Smith" you keep speaking of? And what is this "Matrix" you hate? Is it evil? Never mind. My name is Gandalf and-"

"EXCUSE ME? Does it really look like I care who you are?" Rachel says venomously as she hops out of the huge bed and grabs the heavy candle holder off the bedside table, yanking the candle out,

"Move out off the way, Gramps, and no one gets hurt. I wasn't kidding earlier when I said I wasn't as weak as I look. I have been taking a continual self-defense class at the Y since I was 14."

"We mean you no harm, We even brought your knapsack. We need you to help. If you would just let me explain-"

"I SAID SHUT UP! Do you not understand English well or something? Get. Out. Of. My. Way." With that said, Rachel made a run for the door, grabbing her purse on the way out. Old Creeper Ganduff or whatever made a lunge for her, but she dodged him and ducked out the door. She ignored his yells, telling her to halt.

Seriously? Who uses the word halt anymore? And he's wearing some freaky dress-thing. Great, she probably got kidnapped by a cult. That would be just her luck, and where the hell is "Rivetdeal?" It sounded like she should know where it was. Hmmmm, Massachusetts maybe? Whatever. She had more pressing matters. Like tight-wearing, Robin Hood wannabe Blondie headed her way fast, yanking her purse open and grabbing the mace out, she quickly stowed the candle holder inside. What? She liked big purses! Jeez, let a girl have some self expression. She shook the mace and uncapped it.

"Milady, My name is LegoAAHHHH WHAT IS THAT? OH MY GOD, THAT BURNS!"

"Yeah? You want some more Blondie? Stay DOWN! I don't wanna join your little CULT, you FREAKS!"

"Legolas? What happened?"

Rachel whipped around to face the man who stepped out of a nearby doorway at Legolas' cries of pain. He looked at her, noticing her for the first time, and took a step towards her.

"HEY! Freeze! Don't even try to come any closer unless you want some of what your friend got! How do I get outta here?" she gesture threateningly with the can, but since he didn't see what had happened to Legolas, he stepped forward anyway.

" I warned you, you dirty perverted cult boy!"

With that she shoved the can in his face, pressing the button like mad. But…nothing came out.

" Dang. Oh Dang. CRAP. SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

She shook it and tried again. Nothing happened. She turned the can over *ONE USE ONLY* "Well crap!" Rachel threw the can at him suddenly, and it hit him in the forehead. She turned and ran shrieking down the corridor, an open doorway leading outdoors in sight.

She was almost free when a kneeling Elleth who was scrubbing the floors accidentally sloshed soapy water in her path which Rachel did not see... And slipped on. Banging her head on a nearby statue and knocking herself unconscious, AGAIN.

When Rachel came to, the first thing she saw was an angry and red eyed Legolas, an annoyed Aragorn with a pink spot on his forehead, and a bemused Gandalf looking at her. Following that she realized she was tied to a chair. Like with ACTUAL rope. All she could think was "Crap!".

AN ~ what do you think? Funny so far? I sure hope so! Anything particular you want to happen next


	3. Right, and I'm Princess Di

Disclaimer: Yeah, I own nothing but Rachael. You all know this. I don't own the songs, or LOTR, or Princess Di. Oh well

AN: Longest chapter so far, and I apologize in advance for the evil songs that will be stuck in your head.

Chapter Three, or otherwise known as "Right, and I'm Princess Di"

_( Italics are thoughts)_

"Uh….Hi?" sputters Rachael nervously.

"What is the witch doing here, Gandalf? Why would you bring her at a time so close to the Council?" asked Legolas heatedly.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA! WITCH? WHO are YOU calling a witch, Pretty Boy? And Really? Are you in fifth grade? You can't say the real word?" Rachael said angrily, "And anyway, like I WANT to be here? Do you all have short term memory loss? You nut jobs KIDNAPPED me! And why do you all look so familiar? LET ME GO!"

Just at that moment, Gimli wanders in, eating a chunk of bread, and double takes at the scene before him. A thin redheaded lass in odd dress, bound hand and foot to a chair before two men and an elf. If there was one thing Gimli, son of Gloin, would not stand for, it was the mistreatment of women.

"_Okay, I got this. Grumpy over here looks pissed at these guys, I just found my ticket out_" with that thought, Rachael immediately started to act as if she was terrified, and start to fake sobbing and crying.

"Pppppplease, please help me! Iii am so sssscaared!" whimpered Rachael.

"Just what do you think your doing to this poor maid?" thundered Gimli irately, as he kneeled to loosen the rope on her ankles.

"I wouldn't do that," cautioned Gandalf, "she's quite dangerous"

"Humph, bullying a little slip of a girl, and you bind her to a chair? Now, I would expect this of an ELF, but not of men, such as yourself!" Gimli muttered as he loosened the second rope .

Rachael, finally seeing her opportunity to escape from these weirdos, promptly kicked Gimli in the face, knocking him over, and starts throwing her entire weight to the side, effectively sliding the chair she was still tied to about half an inch towards the door with a horrendous squeaking noise. She repeats the motion feverishly, when she notices none of them have made a move to stop her. In fact, they are all trying to smother laughter at the stout dwarf, still lying on the floor, clutching his cheekbone. Rachael continues to move her chair, wincing at every squeak, hoping they'd forgotten her. There! She had made it to the door! With one last heave, she tried to inch through the door. The legs of her chair got caught on the door frame. And promptly tipped her chair over.

"OW! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OUCH! Hello? Can I get some help over here? Hey! MORONS! Help? Kidnap victim on the floor over here?"

Aragorn walks over, making sure to stay out of reach, and easily picks her chair up, and carries her over to the table.

"Uhh, thanks,…..Think you could untie me, Cult Boy?" she asked

"After your little display of violence? Not a chance. And I am Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, not "Cult Boy". which I am assuming is an insult." he said, bowing in greeting.

"Yeah? Bet I can make you let me go!"

"Can Not."

And with that Rachael, immediately launched into "It's a Small World after all"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still singing.

"Make. Her. Stop." begged Gimli.

"Okkay, you're making me do this." She switched to "Barbie Girl" with an evil grin.

"I'm a Barbie Girl! In a Barbie WORLD!"

Ten minutes later, Gimli was looking around for his axe.

"That's it. Your FORCING me to pull out the big guns. I didn't want it to go this far but," and then she enthusiastically switched to " Song that never ends".

"I Know a song that never ends! It's goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it , not knowing what it was. They continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends!"

"STOP! STOP! I'll untie you, Just stop singing those wretched songs!" Aragorn cried, cutting the ropes on her wrists.

Gandalf stepped forward.

"My name is Gandalf, even though I've already introduced myself earlier, and I am the one that brought you here. Don't interrupt me, I'll explain everything. You have been brought to our world, Middle Earth, to help us with a quest to destroy Sauron, Sauroman, and the one Ring. Help us with this, and after this world is safe, I will return you to your own world, if you wish." Gandalf pauses, and Rachael immediately interrupts him.

"Hahahahahahaha," she bursts into a laughing fit, "oh, thank god, LINDA? Randy? Where are you guys? Hilarious joke! I get it, I should watch your dumb movies, you can come let me go now!"

"I assure you, young lady, the fate of Middle Earth is no laughing matter," Legolas interjected furiously.

"Oh, and you're supposed to be that elf guy, right? Leg…Lega…crap, I cant remember…." Rachael shakes her head.

"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood" Legolas stated proudly.

"Right, and I'm Princess Di. 'Kay guys, jokes over! You can let me go now!" she said in an annoyed fashion.

Aragorn turned to Gandalf .

"Is she mad? You intend for HER to save Middle Earth?"

"Wait, wait ,wait, wait, are you for real? I'm really in "Middle Earth"?"

"Yes, like I said, you must help us."

"HELP YOU? I have a LIFE back home! People are GOING to miss me! Why would you bring ME? Why would I want to help you? "

"If you ever wish to return to your home, you will"

"Um, NO. You're gonna take me home. RIGHT. NOW. Before things get ugly. So, wave your little wand, or whatever, say your magic words, and send me home."

"I am afraid I can't do that."

"Well, you know what? I can't help you. Or rather, wont."

"You must."

"Not really."

"You know nothing of this world. How will you survive?'

" I will go find some other wizard guy, who will send me home."

"There is no other, but me who can perform such wizardry ."

"Uhuh, SUUURRREE…."

"He is speaking the truth. No one else has ever been able to open a portal before Gandalf," Aragorn interrupts, "So, you TRULY must help if you want to return to your home."

" FINE. But I WONT like it. So there." Rachael pouts, "so, uh, what do I have to do?"

AN: Yup, She was desperate, and resorted to songs of evil for freedom. It would be great if you reviewed, and thanks for reading!


	4. This one time, at Band Camp

Disclaimer: I think we all know I don't own anything but my original characters, and the (hopefully) funny things I make the LOTR characters I DON'T own do. I also don't own American Pie or the Band camp reference.

AN: So love to my Beta, Twilight Hopeful, and all my lovely reviewers. Thank you guys! I will now do

some shameless advertising for my other stories. They're LOTR fics to, so please check 'em out! 'Kay, enough of that, here's chapter four!

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Chapter four, or otherwise known as "This one time, at band camp"

"So you know all of our quests?" questioned Gandalf "Uhh….Sorta… I kinda have this tendency to fall asleep during the movies…I tried to read the books, but I kept getting frustrated at the fantasy element and there wasn't NEARLY enough romance, so, I have a vague knowledge of what's gonna happen. The whole "Ring of world domination, blah blah, epic battle scene, blah blah, forbidden romance, blah blah, pointy-eared Nancy boys prancing around in tights, blah blah, "Mount DOOM" thing, right? And, really? "Mount DOOM"? Who names a volcano "Mount Doom"? Who is *that* unoriginal? And another thi-"

"Wait, you have foreseen our journey? And Mount Doom? You must bear the ring," interrupts Aragorn.

"Uhh, yeah, I would , but you see, I have REALLY sensitive skin, so I PROBABLY shouldn't wear some random ring on a little quest thingy, as much as I would love to… This one time, at band camp.." Rachael paused, for effect, but no one got the joke. "Figures you wouldn't get it. Anyway, This one time, an ex boyfriend of mine, who was a cheap bastard, by the way, got me this really ugly ring, but I had to wear it, you know? So turns out I was allergic to it, and long story short, my whole hand swelled up and turned purple, and I spent the rest of the night in Urgent Care. So, as much as it pains me not to go, I prolly shouldn't. But I'll help you plan it, and everything!" exclaimed Rachael.

"You must at least accompany the ring bearer if you will not take this burden upon yourself," stated Gandalf.

"EXCUSE ME? Why do *I* have to go? I have like, no sense of direction, and I don't even like to travel!" Rachael whined, as she reached for her purse and started emptying it out, looking for her cell phone. She quickly found it, powering it up, and setting it next to her, and returned to looking through her bag for a compact. Legolas reached over, and picked the phone up, obviously not knowing what it was. Suddenly, it started vibrating, alerting her to missed texts. He yelled in surprise, and dropped the phone,

and Rachael could see the text was from Linda, with a subject line reading "Rach, where are you?"

Rachael moved forward in her chair to grab the still vibrating phone when Gimli leaped forward with a battle cry, clutching his axe.

"I will slay this devilry!" Gimli bellowed and with that he sunk his axe into her phone with a crash.

The phone died with a strangled beep, and Rachael was flying cross the table, shrieking, hands curled into claws, intent on clawing his eyes out. Aragorn lunged forward just in time to grab her, and held her back with ease. Gimli was cowering behind Gandalf, as Rachael started yelling at him.

"WHAT THE HELL? YOU MORON! NOW I CAN'T EVEN LET MY FRIENDS KNOW I'M ALIVE! YOU'RE LUCKY YOUR FRIEND HERE IS HOLDING ME BACK, OR-" She was roughly cut off as Aragorn covered her mouth.

"Calm down. Now, I am going to let you talk, but if you start yelling, we're going to have to gag you. Understand?" Rachael glared, nodding furiously. He removed his hand from her mouth.

"...BITCH?" she whispered in a creepily detached voice.

"What is that mad look in her eyes? It's really starting to scare me." Legolas stage whispered to Gandalf, who nodded emphatically.

The tension continued to build as Rachael started to twitch. Everyone in the room (minus Rachael) started to look at each other when she suddenly started counting to ten, inhaling and exhaling deeply."That was a communications device. It allows you to talk with friends and family, and I could have told them that I'm okay, and not dead. Okay, whew, I'm over it, it was an accident. I know you wouldn't have broken it if you'd known what it was."

Gimli peeked out from around Gandalf, and muttered an apology.

"Aragorn, you can let me go. I'm not gunna try to hurt anyone, honest. I promise." He lets her go, and Rachael walks back over to her purse and dumps it out. Good thing she was a packrat, she would need everything she could get if she was going to go tramping all over god-knows-where on some dumb mission thing.

All of the men crowded around, looking over her shoulder as she sorted through the gigantic mess. There were several lip glosses, a first aid kit, a makeup bag,an overnight bag complete with shampoo/conditioner ad toothbrush and toothpaste, a brush, a cute tampon holder, a bag of hard candy, her wallet, body spray, lotion, chapstick, hand sanitizer, a small box of crayons, and much more, not worth mentioning.

Legolas picked up the crayons, and was trying to figure out what they were.

"I'm a live in nanny, I always have something to amuse the kids with me." Rachael said, as way of explanation.

"What is a "nanny?" Aragorn asked.

"It's a job where I take care of other people's kids constantly, for minimum wage, to try to pay tuition." Rachael explained dryly.

"Tuition?"

"Payment for college? Classes? I have to buy books, and pay the bills." grumbled Rachael.

"What is "college"?" interrupted Gimli

"Where I go to become qualified for the job I want. I'm almost graduated too, just one more loooong year, then I can find work in veterinary medicine."

"Veterinary Medicine? I have not heard of such a field. Are you going to be a healer, working in medicine?" questioned Gandalf

"An animal doctor, or healer. I suppose I could take care of minor human injuries, though. The procedures are pretty similar."

"A healer? You very well might come in handy on the quest!" exclaimed Aragorn.

"Um, guys? I'm really sorry for the whole "Mace, face kick, can to the head" thing," Rachael apologized tentatively.

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AN: Whatcha think? Not as good as the others, but i had try and build Racheal's charecter a bit. Please Reveiw?


	5. WellThis is just awkward

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it. Plain and simple.

AN: I know, it's been a VERY long time, and my only excuse is my computer crashing and not having the time (or motivation) to rewrite lost chapters. And my muse ran away L I'm extremely sorry guys! But I had an idea for a new story, and made myself finish this chap before I even started. Warning: This chap is unbeta'd , I wanted to get it up ASAP. Please Read and review! And if you like my writing, I have a few other stories I'm working on, so feel free to check it out XD Oh, btw I realized my spell check has been switching the spelling of Rachel's name back and forth from "Rachel" to "Rachael" , so I apologize and am working on fixing it. Anywho…..

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Chapter 5, or otherwise known as "Well….This is just awkward…."

In which Gimli cries, Rachel victory dances, Legolas is snarky, and Frodo has a minor break down.

Enjoy XD

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Rachel stumbled along, not accustomed to the long dress the Elves had insisted she barrow. Not that she minded, because she had the whole renaissance princess look going on, and she loved it. Lost in thought, she stopped walking for a minute, and Aragorn yanked her arm.

"Hurry, or we'll be late to council!"

"Jeez, hold your horses! These skirts are harder to walk in than you'd think buddy!"

Aragorn just rolled his eyes and started walking again, increasing his pace and disappeared around a corner in front of her. Rachel sighed, and looked around furtively, and seeing no one , she hiked the impractical, but gorgeous skirt all the way up to her knees, exposing pale and skinny calves and the silk flats she had been given. She considered skipping this whole "Council" thing, but had no where else to go, so she started jogging to catch up with Aragorn. She quickly rounded the corner, and ran straight into someone, and was knocked flat on her butt.

"Great, just great. Because this day hasn't been bad enough, I just need a bruised tailbone in the mix" Rachel grumbled angrily.

"I apologize, milady. Are you well?" asked a large, broad-shouldered redheaded man,

She stood up, brushing herself off, and distractedly replied, "Mmhm, yeah, whatever. Hey! Do you know where the council is being held?"

"How do you know of the council, milady?" He asked suspiciously.

"'Cause I'm supposed to be there…My names Rachel, by the way. On second thought, you know a way outta here?"

"Of course, Lady Rachel, but you are going to the council. I will assist you. I am Borhimer ." and with that he took her arm, very gallantly, might she add, and started leading her down the wide corridor.

"Man, this place is a maze!" Rachael exclaimed.

" You are not familiar with the palace, and were sent without a guide?"

"Oh, well, I had one but he left. I think he's still mad about the whole hitting him thing. I mean, I thought he was a rapist or something! I didn't know he was a ranger-king-heir thing…."

"You bested the ranger?"

"Hey! Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't take care of myself!

"I meant no offence, I am sure you are very capable Lady-"

"Just call me Rachel, okay?"

"That would be improper for me to be so familiar Milady, and as I was saying , You must be very skilled to best the ranger-"

"Yeah, well, I work out" Rachel flirted.

Together they quickly made their way down the last hallway towards the Council hall. As they were walking in to the room, they literally ran into Aragorn. He just scowled at her and motioned inside, where the Council was already started. Rachel, trying to be sneaky, tiptoed around the back of the group towards a nervous looking teenage boy with an empty seat next to him. Halfway there she stumbled over an uneven stone on the floor, knocking over a large (and expensive looking) glass vase which broke with a loud crash.

"Uh. Sorry, don't mind me. I'll just sit- right over here" and with that a crimson Rachel threw herself into the empty seat.

And with that, the Council continued, with Rachel zoning out, only to notice the boy at her right nervously fiddling with an expensive looking ring.

"Pssst"

The boy looked around.

"Pssst, Ringboy!" Rachel whispered

He pointed at himself.

"Yes, you! My names Rachel! What's yours? Hey, that looks important, you shouldn't be playing with that!" and then she reached out and plucked the ring from his hand.

"My name is Frodo, and that's..IT'S NOTHING!" He shrieked hysterically, snatching the ring back.

"Dude, chill. I was joking"

Suddenly they heard a clearing of throats and saw Elrond, hand extended and tapping his foot.

"Oh, Sorry" said Frodo sheepishly handing over the ring.

Frodo and Rachel continued talking quietly, quickly becoming friends when suddenly a earsplitting crash jolted them back to reality. Rachel looked up to see a dazed Gimli picking himself up, and fragments of his axe around him.

"Noooooooo" Gimli sobbed "That was my favorite one!"

"Seriously? What the hell is your problem? Didn't you learn your lesson earlier? You can't just run around friggin' AXING peoples personal property, asshat!" Rachel exploded, standing up and stepping towards the distraught dwarf whose lower lip was trembling dangerously .Then she took in his expression, and her face softened.

"Oh….I'm sorry. Are you all right Sweetie? I'll-"

"AS I WAS SAYING," boomed Gandalf, "The ring much be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom to be destroyed. All that remains is to decide who shall bear this burden"

Chaos erupted around them. Frodo pushed his way through the crowd, eager to halt the destruction of Middle Earth, his home. Meanwhile, Rachel shoved though the crowd the other direction, eager to escape this madhouse and "quest" nonsense. She had just spotted what appeared to be an exit and was mentally victory dancing when she heard a not-so-subtle clearing of a throat. Then she realized she was *actually* victory dancing. And that Gandalf stood between her and her "sneaky" escape.

"Well….This is just awkward…."

Gandalf just rolled his eyes.

Rachel turned and stomped back into the room, where suddenly , everyone was volunteering. So, of course, being unwilling as she was, dove into a bush to hide. And landed on a couple of hiding hobbits.

Who started screaming bloody murder and blew her hiding place all to hell.

They were fished out and pushed into the group of companions. The council was dismissed, and everyone started finalizing details, and ignoring Rachel, who kept loudly announcing that "she was being abducted, and to call the people from "Without a trace", because this would make a really great episode."

To which Legolas loudly announced "No one really cares."

At the end of the night, they all headed to their rooms to prepare for the journey.

"Guys?…GUYS? What should I wear?" trailed out from Rachel's room.

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ENDNOTE: What do you think? Anything you particularly want to see happen? Review, and I'll love you forever LOL And I'm defiantly not letting my muse go again. His name is Diego, if you're wondering (;


	6. I think they voted without me

Chapter six, or otherwise known as "I think they voted without me."

Disclaimer: *sobs* I'm just a lowly fanfic writer, 'kay? I own NOTHING!

Sorry it took so long guys, real life caught up with me. And I blew my knee out in a practice -_- So if this reads a little crack fic-ish, it's because I'm on some pretty strong painkillers and they make me a little giggly. It's kinda short. Again, sorry. Anyway, here chapter six, or otherwise known as "I think they voted without me."

In which Rachel has a bad day, Hobbits are emotionally scarred, there's no coffee to be found, Pippin learns a new word and no one has heard of ziplock. Oh, and there are battleaxes too. Enjoy xD

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The fellowship set out bright and early, of course after rousing Rachel. They had sent the hobbits in to wake her, and had held the door shut until they heard undeniably feminine swearing and shrieking hobbits begging them to be let out.

Just for good measure, they all waited five more minutes before letting them out.

The poor hobbits emerged looking mentally scarred and slightly twitching. Sam was rubbing a forming bruise on his side from where he dove in front of Frodo and was hit with a random rock Rachel had apparently had for "self defense".

Yeah, no one really wanted to ask.

A tense forty five minutes passed before they finally were out on the road-er trail.

There had been some yelling when Rachel had been informed she could not, in fact, bring all five of her bags. And that the pony was not, in fact, for HER to ride.

****************************************************RachelPOV**********************************************************************

"Hmph. Boys are so stupid." I thought to myself. "With their stupid hair and stupid pony and-and- stupid FREAKING BATTLEAXES. I mean, really. Oh great, I think I'm getting a blister. Peachy."

Just then, I stumbled over a protruding root in the path, effectively jolting me from my caffeine deprived ramblings. Certain they were lying about lack of coffee, I couldn't resist asking again.

"Are you really, really, really a hundred percent sure there's no coffee?"

"No." grumbled Sam

"C-Could you check?"

"No."

"No one has like a five hour energy…..or some sugar?" I ventured.

Legolas turned around and gave her an irritated and confused face.

"NO." They all chorused.

"Okay guys, it's gunna get bad fast. NOW WHO DO I FREAKING HAVE TO SHAG TO GET SOME BLOODY CAFFINE?" I snarled, slipping into an awful English accent.

They all stared, and Pippin asked what "shag" meant.

"Nothing, hun,"

And with that the march continued in dour silence.

I decided if they didn't have coffee, I would just have to find some. Hey, coffee beans grow on trees, right? Or is it bushes? Er, I'm sure they're easy to identify….

Four hours later, and guess what? NO COFFEE TO BE FOUND. Stupid climate change. Don't look at me like that, do you really expect coherent wit from a girl who's been hiking for hours with some wierdos and has not had any caffeine? That's right, you do not.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that I might be going crazy. Shaking off this unpleasant thought, I decided that it didn't really matter that much anyway.

After what seems like an eternity, we all stop, apparently for lunch. I sprawl dramatically out on the forest floor that's littered with leaves and small pebbles.

Seeing Borhimer looking at me, I try to make a flirty face. He gives me an odd look and turns away. Then I realize. There's an effing STICK in my hair.

"Sexy." I thought sarcastically.

I was distracted once again from my ramblings when Sam thrust a-a-a, well, I wasn't quite sure WHAT it was, into my hands. Upon further investigation, it appeared to be food, wrapped in a leaf?

Haven't these crazies heard of ziplock?

I looked up and seen all the men were devouring their bread.

Yum….Not.

"Hey, I don't suppose you guys happen to know the sodium content of this here bread-like foodstuff?" I asked, only half jokingly.

All I got in response were blank looks.

Fantastic.

Awhile after we had started hiking again, I had decided it was indeed, "a hard knock life". Because, as of right now? Middle Earth freaking SUCKED. And to make everything just *that* much better, it looked like it was going to rain. Hey, maybe we would stop walking! I hopefully look over to Aragorn, who somehow managed to wrangle the spot as leader. On that note, I think they voted without me. I pout and look over to Aragorn, who shows no signs of stopping or even slowing. All the others look ready to make camp though. Ha, serves them right! *I* wouldn't make us march in the rain. Guess you picked the wrong leader! However, my internal bitterness only lifts my spirits for a minute. And then my shoes start to squelch. Yay, bring on more fun times.

Everything is just sunshine and kittens.

Just then, there was a startling crack of thunder and lighting flashed as the heavens opened up. Ten minutes later and Aragorn decides we can make camp. I barely bite back a sarcastic, albeit extremely humorous comment about making camp and where he can shove said camp. Just then I realize something awful.

"GUYS! GUYS! WHAT IS THE DATE?""A few days after the summer solstice." Gimli supplied.

"No, NO I need a number! What DAY is it?"

All I got was more blank looks, which causes me to burst into tears. Oh yeah, I feel PMS coming on. They prolly don't even HAVE chocolate in this fricken hellhole. Deciding nothing good will come of this day, I roll over and put a blanket over my head, intending to go into hibernating mode.

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Endnote: What do you think? Reviews=Love.


	7. Everyone in Middle Earth can beat me up

Wait, I'm WHERE? Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Yup, I own LOTR (: *iskilledbyLegolas* Just kidding. We all know I'm just a fangirl. I only manipulate Tolkien's characters into doing what I want through bribing them with cookies. And promising certain whiny hobbits love interests *rollseyes* Yeah, not gunna happen lol

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A few hours later, I wake up to someone poking me. With a stick. NO joke.

That's the kinda stuff you put up with in Middle Earth, because everyone can beat you up. I mean, even the hobbits have these little sword-things that look wicked sharp.

And I don't fancy giving myself sutures in the germ infested wilderness because I got between a hobbit and "elevensies", whatever the freak that is.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, poked with a stick.

By Frodo.

That little bitch is just begging for an ass kicking, Damn, I get violent while I'm pmsing.

So right now, as I'm internally monologing this, Frodo's staring at me. Still holding the effing stick, and he's got that bug eyed, mildly constipated look on his face again.

"Um, Hi?…"

I seem to startle him, because he jerks, drops the stick and gives a little shriek. And then he turns and runs and hides behind Gandalf.

Yeah, I'm sure this had to have been better in the movies.

Anyway. It's apparently time to go. Sweet. Why the fuck did I join this jolly little party wagon? Seriously, this has been more camping than the last Harry Potter movie.

Speaking of Harry Potter, why did I have to get sucked into this fandom? I would be perfectly at home chilling in Hogsmede, and putting the moves on the Weasley twins, but noooooo, I had to go to freakin' MIDDLE I mention where we're headed to next?

No?

Oh, we're just of to climb some MOUNTAINS.

Which is apparently no big deal, whatever.

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AN; So it's been a while, guys.

This was my very first story. Ever.

It's kind of evolved into a crack!fic, and there isn't really much interest in it any more. I promise I will eventually finish it, but expect sloooow updates. Sorry:/

What do you guys think?

Shall I commence with the lols, and bring on the Crackfic, or should I make it more serious and dramatic?

Also, reviews feed my soul.

Seriously though, they make me update faster.

Don't feel shy either.

Tweet me or PM me or review if there's something you want to see happen, or I'm just not updating fast enough for you.

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Reviews?


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